September 12th, 2014

Why I changed my food program.

Even though this blog entry is long, it does not exhaustively cover everything.  It does however, vaguely give a sketch.

DISCLAIMER:, I am not a health professional, and I’m just telling my own personal story.  Everybody is DIFFERENT. Grow up and tweak your health at your own discretion.  I’m just a random stranger with an anecdote on the internet, and we all know how seriously that stuff gets taken lol

My food plan has been upgraded for health reasons.  Since, the beginning of July.

My main health reason was my raging relapse of eating disorders (although I had many other symptoms of other chronic pain ailments as well, and MDD major depressive disorder, anxiety, fatigue, lethargy).  My latest bout with Bulimia had me bingeing and purging over 6x per day.  On really bad days, up to 20 times.  From early January 2013 to August of that same year, I spent time inpatient and outpatient to (for the first time in my life) get treatment for this.

The model of therapy the hospital used was “Exposure Therapy”.  They used the Canada Food Guide for my plan, as well as talking through my feelings each time I ate.  Sounds cozy and friendly and touchy-feely, right? It was in a group setting, and Bulimics and Anorexics were treated with precisely the same plan.  Therefore, as a patient I was not permitted to read labels, care about ingredients or quality of what kind of food I was being fed.  Eating the entire meal, even the bits we “didn’t like”, even food we had clearly outlined as our trigger food, was mandatory.  Because eating disorder patients often use “food sensitivity” as an excuse to either abstain or purge, these rules made sense from an outside point of view.

I’ve known for years my trigger foods and what I am sensitive to.  Dairy, Ice cream, soups, grains, potatoes, sugar, starches, artificial additives;  Foods that most “normal eaters” would agree (with the exception of the beloved “whole grains”) aren’t the best foods for health.. The one brief time I was e.d. free in early 2001 I did a ketogenic stint with proteins, fats, veggies, but found the social pressure hard to take, so relapse city it was.

My latest relapse spun out of control and I nearly died in Dec 2012 (a week before my treatment began).  I was bingeing and purging constantly.  I lost so much weight rapidly, and this was hand in hand with suicidal thoughts anyway, so when I “almost died”, I had this half sense of relief that I was about to die, so I wouldn’t have to carry out my suicide ideations.

At my husband’s urging, I stayed in the outpatient program after I was discharged from inpatient.  My almost dying scared the crap out of him.  Part of me was eager to give this a shot.  After all, I was 45 and here someone was for the first frigging time acknowledging that my over 30 year cycle of eating disorders was indeed real and I wasn’t making it the hell up.

This idea that I was not allowed to choose my own way to eat was very offensive to the part of me that wanted health.  I wanted to learn how to not WANT to purge my food.  I wanted to learn how to not WANT to binge.  But their “eat a meal and then share your feelings” model did not make it go away.  The few times that I kept food down was an utter failure.  I slept at night more obsessed with food than ever.  I thought the psychotherapy was suppose to TAKE CARE OF the “feelings.”. Plus, the rest of the time, when I purged my brains out (I knew where all the locked bathrooms were and purged and lied my ass off), it was made even EASIER with their insistence that every meal have dairy in it.  Every time I ate dairy it made purging easy, complete and hands-free. (Hence the lack of the “purging scars” that medical professionals kept looking for).

I left the hospital sicker in many ways than when I entered.  I was still depressed and wished I could die, but had lethargy about even that.  The one good thing to come out of my treatment was when my OT suggested I either look for work or volunteer.  Looking for work, which I did try, was extremely anxiety provoking.

However, I found a place to volunteer, and went for it with passion.  In fact, I am now a full time volunteer there, almost a year later.  My illness didn’t go away.  But I was now out of the hospital’s program and could do what I wanted.  So I recently saw that “low carb” and “gluten free” were making a comeback and thought, GREAT. This is the perfect time to ditch all my problem foods and lick this bastard once and for all.  Most ketogenic food plans eliminate my problem foods by default. I was very much in love with my volunteer work and wanted to be healthy and stick around for that longer.

Well, it turns out I was right regarding my food sensitivities.  I ditched the sugar and grains and almost overnight felt better!  Since Early July, I’ve only had a handful of purge episodes (mostly when I consumed milk.  Butter seems to be ok.).  My food is high-fat, substantial, rich, and I’m actually feeling better about food than EVER. I have no desire to either restrict or purge, and my desire to eat entire bags of potatoes, pails of ice cream, 10 plates of fried rice, and boxes and boxes of processed food, are for lack of a better word, “lobotomized”.  My body feeling in pain constantly and like it’s on fire, gone.  Energy, in droves.  My anxiety prn medication, which I got refilled in late June, ironically enough, untouched! And I no longer want to die.

I refuse to eat faux sugars and “low carb chocolate bars”.  I did try it before and it feeds my insatiable desire to loot a bakery just as much as sugar does.  There are many who do this and don’t really want to change their mindset.  That’s pretty much the same with any food plan out there. Every way of eating has its own set of “junk food”.  I don’t want it.  I want to FEED my body, and I want to love food.  And I want to stay healthy.  I get the luxury of eating, feeling satisfied and not only NOT being obsessed, but having none of the cravings, period.  The recidivism rate for people who are unfulfilled on their eating plan is 100%.  I don’t want to be that statistic.

My hypothyroidism is still supervised my my GP.

August 10th, 2014

Bulletproof Coffee

I am not a scientist. Nor am I particularly a person who follows “trends”. I march to the beat of my own drum.  Everything you are about to read is unapologetically, first person anecdotal.


I’ve recently eliminated all kinds of crap from my personal eating plan. Eliminated, evicted, booted, cannonball shot, whatever verb form you wish to apply. They are GONE with brute force.


I vehemently dislike the phrase “giving up foods” when it comes to changing what I eat. The implications surrounding that phrase immediately conjure up someone, with, puppy dog eyes, looking mournfully at a piece of food, longing to still keep it, but with the air of a martyr, making some insurmountable sacrifice.


I “sacrificed” nothing. More like, took out the damn trash and have no intentions of looking back.  I will go into my personal reasons for doing this in another post, but not this one.  In this post, I’ll describe what led me to my love affair with putting butter in my coffee.


One of the things that bothered me was the quality of seemingly normal every day foods.   When switching to a low-carbohydrate (sugar-free, grain free especially) eating plan, I wanted to still have cream in my coffee, but I am one of those folks who goes by ingredients, not the stupid nutritional breakdown which proclaims “zero carbs” on a cartonful of junk.  Coffee cream, or even whipping cream, contains a lot of preservatives and stabilisers to enhance shelf-life.  The “blend cream” contains milk and cream, but I wanted to be all about the cream.  Surely it couldn’t be THAT hard to sell real cream without all the crap in it?  Apparently the only “ordinary brands” of food that sell single ingredient of cream don’t do it unless they churn it into butter first.  Well, so be it!


I saw a lot of news articles about what people call bulletproof coffee.  It is, if you are doing it the expensive way, organic coffee, butter from grass-fed cows, and some kind of MCT oil.  The “recipe” is based on the tibetan tradition of putting yak butter in tea.


I live in Canada and can neither afford nor obtain the Irish “grass fed butter”, but organic extra-virgin coconut oil is fairly easy to obtain.  My husband is a long time coffee hobbyist who roasts his own fair trade, organic coffee beans, so I was all set in the “upgraded coffee” department.  The only thing I had to compromise on is the butter, and in my experience it doesn’t make that much of a difference.  I buy regular unsalted butter for this purpose, and when organic goes on sale, yippee, bonus.  Besides, the Bulletproof (named) recipe is a tweak of the original, so I can also tweak to meet my financial and personal realistic needs.


Butter is just churned cream.  When it’s softened in a cup of coffee it is just essentially ready for “re-whipping”.  I remember as a kid being told not to whip the cream too much or it would “turn into butter”.  So, frothing a couple tablespoons into a cup of coffee with a blob of coconut oil, using a pyrex cup and an immersion blender, and I have something visually resembling a “frap” (I haven’t bought fraps at Starbucks so excuse my ignorance on that front- I just go by the pictures).  It also tastes creamy and frothy the way a specialty coffee would.


I ignored all the claims (energy, satiety, clarity of thought and alertness, etc) thinking, it’s a bunch of hoo-ha, just marketing, and at best it would be a way to have a coffee treat with just better quality ingredients.  But I have been finding myself with increased energy.  Cravings to binge are pretty much labotomized from my brain, and just this morning I walked (at MY request) 11 K at a pace of about 10 minute, 15 seconds per kilometre, with my husband.


I don’t credit the bulletproof (small b- it’s my own tweaked concoction) coffee alone, though.  As it is but one component in how I changed my food routine.  I also credit the guillotining of offensive ingredients that perpetuated my chronic conditions.  But I cannot NOT give it a nod of approval for how it has enabled me to carry on with my healing.


July 24th, 2012

Why I love Smashwords

There are many places where I can buy or download e-books, and I will talk about them in another post, but today I want to focus on Smashwords.

All my life, reading has been my “go-to” inexpensive hobby.  I grew up respecting the public library, where I could sample books of all flavours.  Sometimes a popular book had to be put on hold and I’d wait in line, and that was how I grew up.

Now that e-books are a current trend.  I find most books by current, bestselling authors to be often quite pricey and many of them have that stranglehold known as DRM.

But Smashwords is a breath of fresh air.  Independent authors, some who are long timers and many new ones, offer their books for reasonable prices that I can download onto my Sony T1 epub reader.  Many of them have been freebies, and I often look for sales, but I have never felt taken advantage of as a customer.

I am sure many people also know about the free Public Domain books in websites like Project Gutenberg, which I will talk about in another post.

February 2nd, 2012

Getting back into spinning.

It’s been a while since I really have been interested in posting.  In my personal life, my mother passed away suddenly at the age of 66, and I’ve been doing more stuff with e-book reading and playing guitar and not much with spinning, until recently.

Here is some of what I have been doing:

The above is a project I picked up after letting it idle for several months, and plied 3 plies together.

And this one below is some that I am spinning on a supported spindle:

And this next one below is some BFL I have started spinning on a top whorl Bossie spindle:

December 7th, 2011

Gadget Peeves and Praise

I am going to talk about 2 gadgets I own, and why I like and/or dislike them.  The two gadgets in question are the Kobo Touch which is an e-ink book reader, and the Sansa Clip, which is an audio media player.

My ownership of the Sansa Clip has been pure and utter joy.  I cannot find any flaws in its firmware. My husband was also able to install RockBox on it so I have even more features on it.  But the best thing of all….. Even without Rockbox, the thing works FRESH out of the box.  I was able to download CBC podcasts as freely as I pleased, and when I inplugged the unit I could just listen and find them on my menu.  In other words unlimited personal use which is starting to become very important to me!! I did not have to enter my e-mail address or go to the “Sansa Clip Store” or download a silly desktop app to set it up.  It worked, as advertised, when I took it out of the box.

While I like the idea of my e-ink reader, the Kobo Touch.  The “big brother” proprietary issue really irks me.  First of all, I have to “register it” with the Kobo store, JUST to set it up.  It is very Linux unfriendly, and I have had to re-set it up a number of times. Setup requires that you download the Kobo desktop software which only is available to Windows and Mac users. I often have just skipped the setup, and the device “basically” works, but that means I don’t get the firmware upgrades.

Had I done my homework in advance and realized the song and dance I would have to go through just to have my expensive gadget work as advertised  I would not have bought it.  I will wait until e-readers (plain e-ink is fine with me) go down in price and also, work fresh out of the box without having to be linked to some store or silly piece of Desktop software I cannot, as a Linux user, obtain.   I don’t think complete autonomy and free personal use is too much to ask when I buy a personal storage unit.

I became attracted to e-book readers when I discovered Project Gutenberg.  I had just spent over $50 on printed copies of PUBLIC DOMAIN books I could have downloaded FREE of charge and read on Calibre.  (Naturally, i wished I could just take back the books and get my money back but I had ordered them from amazon and it was too much hassle).

So far, I like Calibre best as my preferred E-reader.  The next company that will get my e-reader spending money will be for an e-ink device which has these wishlist items:

  • Works as advertised, out of the box without registering personal information.
  • Does not require downloading of that company’s Windows software to set up.
  • Costs about $80-$100 CDN (or less, come on this is the 21st century!)
  • Has easy book organizing, and is compatible with Calibre (easy transfer of books from my computer via USB)
  • Allows equal treatment of sideloaded books vs books I may buy from an online store.  I prefer to download the epubs which do not have DRM, which I can get for free from Smashwords or public domain from Project Gutenberg, and still have it work.  Why should my device care where I got my books from?  My Clip doesn’t care where I got my mp3 files from!
  • To be for the e-book reader what the Sansa Clip is for the podcast user, easy.

So far every e-reader I have looked at requires I store my e-mail address on it.  I have never done that with my Clip.  So, Buy, plug into computer, add files.  That should not be so complicated.

July 8th, 2011

Tour De Fleece 2011 in progress!

For Tour De Fleece, I have been spinning purple mohair.  I am pondering adding another fiber from my supplies just to shake things up a bit.

Here is the Purple Mohair being spun on my Jenkins Turkish Meadowlark as well:  Each photo can be clicked to enlarge if you wish.

Tour De Fleece 2011 has motivated me to see just how much I actually do have in my stash of fiber.

I have enough to keep me spinning for a year.  I’ve decided after Tour de Fleece to take a mini-break from buying supplies all the time to spin.  The expense of the hobby at the rate I bought things can get too expensive if I let it.  It is hard when reading and eyeing all the pretty spindles and pretty hand-spun yarns that people post on Ravelry.  I want to pay more attention to the yarn I have in my stash and the handspun which I have made and not yet knitted.  The “must get more” mentality makes me uncomfortable.  I like to minimize a bit.

Also, my recent acquisition of a Kobo a few months ago has made my thirst for books practically take over!  There are so many classics which I “know about” but have never yet read.   I have many favorites that I have read, but so many that are waiting for me.

I’m not a prolific blogger, or even a very exciting/entertaining one.  My life is full with my family, and days just go by so quickly.  This sounds mushy and syrupy but sometimes I really just like to stop and really freeze time for a few minutes to photograph in my mind while my kids are breaking speed limits in growing up.  There are no brakes…

I have had this blog name for a while, and love the title and the fact that it’s mine but have often been timid to post very much personal content.  I like to keep it light and will continue to do so.  But I think getting more into more of my favorite things will be an incentive to blog more.

June 13th, 2011

How you thrill me….

(Continued from my “Honey Honey” post)

Here are a couple of views of my Honey Tussah silk before I give it its bath:

I counted the wraps in the niddy noddy, carefully, and it came to 274 yards.  This is a 14 g skein!  I love how the fineness of silk gives me a LOT of yardage.

June 11th, 2011

Honey Honey

I tried to resist the call of the Spindler’s Spin-along on Ravelry, this month, but then I picked up from my stash some lovely Honey Tussah Silk which I had bought from, and started spinning it on Meryl, my canary Delight:

Things were going just fine and dandy, and then Canada Post decided to let a parcel through, given that my birthday had passed and a friend had this gorgeous spindle for my birthday:

The photo above is a bottom whorl/supported spindle made with Ash Burl for the whorl and gorgeously turned walnut for the shaft.  It was made by Spindlewood. I of course wanted to spin on it right away, and so carried on with the silk from there:

(see the pretty underside of that breathtakingly gorgeous whorl?  I love it!)

It did not take long, because I could not put the spindle down, to add more to it:

And then, since I had an even amount (more or less, on both spindles, I wound both strands onto a core for plying and started to ply.  I like to do silk plying in smaller skein amounts because the yardage is massive due to its fineness.  The plying ended up on Meryl because there was more on the Spindlewood’s cop.

The theme for this month’s Spindler’s challenge was “Music to my Ears”. When I took out the Honey Tussah silk, I couldn’t stop thinking of “Honey Honey, how you thrill me”, by ABBA.  I’ll post another photo when this little skein is finished.

May 9th, 2011

Curling up with a good….. Kobo?

When digital book readers first came out, I will admit to being quite a skeptic.  After all, I was able to read and download public domain Gutenberg literature just fine on my little net-book.

One day, while on public transit, I sat next to an acquaintance who was reading from her Kobo.  It looked very nice, and the pages looked slick and readable.  She had received gift cards for Chapters and decided to use them to buy one.  Very seldom to I see someone with a device (Blackberry, cell phone, etc) and find myself unable to stop thinking about it.  When I got off the bus, I couldn’t stop chattering with my husband about it.

This is not going to be a review of a particular e-reader vs others – to be honest I am not good at official reviews (much like official graded book reports in school.  I was able to read a book and convey it, but it was often too “dear diary” to get a good grade…sigh) But I couldn’t resist relaying my experience with my new Kobo and all of the realizations it brought to light about me and my relationship with reading.

It comes with 100 Gutenberg classics pre-installed, which perked my interest a bit.  I enjoy the classics, and many of the titles it comes with were among my favorites.  The page in the photo above is from Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery, one of said favorites since decades ago.

Then, by coincidence I happened upon a sale they were having.  After doing a bit of search into other E-readers, I realized that for the price, this one met my immediate desire and fit my budget.

As I got used to working this device and reading books from it, it brought to light many problems I had had for years with paper books but had never actually said outright because I hadn’t realized that they were actually what had inhibited me from reading as much, to begin with:

  • configuring font size and style (5 sizes in serif or sans serif): Not all books are printed in a size or style that pleases me visually.  I often would be slowed down reading due to getting to the end of one line, only to find the beginning of the very next line not be obvious to me, so I would read and re-read the same sentence over and over again before I connected one line to the next.  Yes, I have used the bookmark to scroll down method, but that was often clunky and tedious.
  • holding heavier books for a long period of time.  The physical issue was often shoved under because well, what can you do?  I didn’t like sitting at a desk to read, and I didn’t like holding books in my lap.  I didn’t like carrying books around when I went out (Since I also like knitting, a small knitting project was often my default sedentary waiting amusement).
  • A few years back I broke my wrist, and while it is healed of course, and I can do many things in my daily life, holding a book still for the duration of reading tires me out physically.
  • My reading moods change rapidly: I could toss a book in my bag before getting to the bus stop, and then by the time I got on the bus, realized I wasn’t really in the mood for that book.  Since a Kobo stores hundreds of books, (plus has room for a data card should you fill it all up) I can read a few pages, think, “maybe later”, and then select another book.
  • The screen is very easy on the eyes, and reading is very pleasurable.  Before I know it, I am clicking for the next page.  I am able to absorb what I am reading far more easily and feel like I have just had fun reading.
  • I am able to borrow any available e-titles from the public library with it.
  • I am not always careful and have at times cracked the binding or pages of physical books.

What can I say?  It seems like an exaggeration to say that this device, which I have had for a few weeks now, has changed my life, but in that sense it really has.  I now look forward to those moments when I can read even just a few paragraphs of a chosen book.

March 30th, 2011

Jenkins Aegean spinning silk

Nothing much to say here, will let the photos speak for themselves.  It will be pretty when all the singles are spun up and plied.  The spindle is a Jenkins Aegean style Turkish made with Walnut wood, and the mulberry silk is from Crown Mountain Farms. Here are some belly shots:

and a couple of overhead shots: